A section dedicated to showing that all that money spent on an extended education was entirely wasted, and other assorted muppetry!
In memory of Jim Roberts, whose only half-time team talk as skipper of the 3rds had the memorable opening lines:-
Hairy Jim: "Right boys, we're lucky to be 1-0 up". Team: "Skip, it's 0-0. The goal was disallowed". Hairy Jim: "Ah, I wondered how they'd kicked off so quickly"..........
48 Hours of Self-loathing - April 2005. Paul Thomas's email on Monday having read the 4th team match report:- "I've just spent the last 48 hours feeling terrible. I thought it had ended up 3-3 and my alleged handball has cost us two points. Was it really 4-3? Who scored the fourth goal (beyond Paul's 3). You're kidding. And if not why didn't anyone tell me!
It's a Dog's Life - March 2005. Chris Wall's injury report: "Guys, I'm not able to play for the next 2 weeks, picked up an injury at work yesterday.
For those of you that don't know I'm Old Bill, Pig, Scum, Filth, however you choose to refer to us - Police. Last night in Chiswick a car was stopped that had been stolen by means of Burglary. There were 4 guys in it, and one of them decided to stab the police officer who stopped him. Two got arrested at the scene and two legged it.
I went looking for the remaining two. After half an hour a police dog caught the scent of the two who had been hiding under a car. The dog had one and the other legged it down the road. I chased and as you've all seen with my lightening pace at the back this season caught the guy.
Just as I got within 2 metres of the suspect another police dog came flying up and mistook me for the bad guy. The bastard to a chunk of my knee and wouldn't let go. Just as I was about to asp the fucker he let go. I carried on chasing the proper bad guy and caught him in a garden down the road.
End result 8 stitches, 5 puncture wounds and two weeks no running. I hope my misery has brightened your days and reaffirmed your decisions to get a desk job! I'll be keeping tabs on the results as they come in, good luck for the games."
The Sergeant Major's Nose - November 2004. This remains shrouded in mystery, but towards the end of an 11-0 drubbing of Mill Hill, Danny Fewkes, guesting for the fourths, broke his nose in contact with an opponent. The official report stated "The only downer for the day was Danny Fewkes breaking his nose under circumstances I have been asked not to reveal, but lets just say it was not a elbow, head, foot or leg that did the damage, but some other part of the body, but fair play to him, he still managed about 6 pints after the game for medicinal purposes of course". Poor Jane.........
Turtle Howler - November 2004. Score Old Aloysians 2 Accies 4ths 2, 65 minutes gone (final score 3-3) - an innocuous shot from the edge of the area, which probably wouldn't have reached the back of the net. It didn't, but did manage to roll through a crouching Danny McConnell's legs and end up 6 inches behind the line. Utter silence from 22 players until someone from Aloysians rather half-heartedly shouted "yes". The Accies equalised with ten seconds to go.
Jock in Disguise - November 2004. For years he's been missing games, claiming to watch Scotland play the Faroe's, Norway, Canvey Island, and other such powerhouses. Mark Hanlon left his coat (big enough to house a family), keys and wallet at Old Wilsonians. "It's nae urgent, if you can get it and give it back next time you see me that'll be fine". He's a traitor to his race!
Kid's Penalty - November 2004. Score Accies 5ths 0 Old Bealonians 1, 15 minutes gone (final score 4-4) - Kid (Chris Coates) must have thought he was playing right back and struck a superbly weighted back pass to the keeper who must have felt sorry for him as he decided to palm it out and make the strike look better than it actually was! Almost, but not quite as bad as Pat Nevin's penalty (you must have heard of him!).
Essex Dan's New Car - October 2004. After several increasingly unsubtle emails, Dan Chantler finally gets acknowledgement that's he's got a new sportscar. Friday night on Southend sea front will never be the same.
Rob James, mathematical genius - October 2004. Accies 5ths walk off having conceded (again) a last minute goal to Old Edmontonians. Rob: "Annoying, I though we deserved something out of that game". Danny: "Well we got a point". Rob: "Did we, I thought we lost 4-3". Leadership in safe hands. Rob works in the City, planning long term multi-million pounds projects.......